Come To Your Senses

One day someone can enter your life and turn your world upside down. This happened a total of three times in my life. And this last time I am not sure where I landed….my head is still spinning. I am not sure if I am happy or sad with myself…or him for that matter. What I have is complicated for sure. I mean who makes out with someone they know they can’t be with right now because the person cannot expect to be tied down when they are moving to bum fuck Texas. I want to continue our friendship but does it change from here…or do I continue as if things haven’t changed. I can’t actually tell if things have changed or not but I think they have…he doesn’t text me back and I felt like a third wheel all night and like I was imposing. I know he didn’t do anything with the other guys he was around this week but all the same I feel like he found them more interesting than me. But his affection never seemed less until tonight…even last night he kissed me…tonight I mean I guess I could have but it just didn’t seem right at the moment…but now I regret it. Will things change? I know I will move on but what will happen if I do. He will have no one. My life is complicated….i always have someone to run to…..too bad he lives across an ocean. What is to happen to me now…am I to just forget…who am I kidding…this week I want to remember and at the same time I want to forget it happened. It was a joy and a fuck up…I am in love I am in lust. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t regret anything. But I am not sure I am fully happy with how I handled some things. Jealousy is a pain in the ass and I wasn’t being fair…cause we weren’t technically together. But when you spend time with a person physically there is a sense of attachment, and sadly possession…well for me anyways. I HATE IT NOW. This week has been the Goliath of emotional roller coaster rides. I needed this week but now I am at a loss. Sure I told him I was fine….did he really believe me….i mean hello the minute he told me the way he felt things kinda took a new course I immediately became kinda different. Maybe all this feeling is my own fault. I could have acted different yesterday….i should have asked more questions before she set me up with him…that was my first boo boo. But I am not sure she even knew what he wanted at the time…he still doesn’t know what he wants….i adore him….and yet he frustrates me to no end. He is perfect for me and at the same time he baffles me…I get along with him and I question him all the time. Where did it go wrong…did it go wrong. I think I am crazy.