The Man Of My Dreams

So I am always talking about him on here well…I think it may be over for real. And I am dying inside. His reasoning is that he can realistically be with me and I feel like it is cause he has a hard time seeing the future. I am sorry but who said the future isn't realistic? NO ONE! And if he is reading this I am meaning no offense…you know I vent on here. I am mad I am furious right now and I think I have every right to be but at the same time I am still in love with you…you did this once before…so I think you just need me to back off let you get your life in order and just be a friend. Once I get to England we will see where we both are. All I am saying is I love you and it won't change and while it is not feesible now for us to be together, you shouldn't just kill your future. I know I make you happy because you wouldn't keep coming back if that were the case and while you may have felt guilty most people don't try to show affection unless there is still something there…I am sorry but in reality these are facts. People just aren't guilted into affection. But you know what I don't care…I am your friend first and I am ok with that and whatever happens will happen. But I still have hope…even if you gave up on it.

I Got Rhthym

So tonight was our final tech night till dress rehearsals for Crazy For You. We found out that we won't have a full orchestra but we will have a band...which isn't that bad people...anyhoo, tonight's run went really well and i got misty eyed during curtain call cause i think we will pull it off beautifully and we could open tomorrow if necessary.

Eventhough i bash myself for just being and understudy i am thoroughly enjoying myself out there with the cast. The moments we have are priceless. I am beginning to realize how much i learned this semester as an actor....understudies do more work than anybody first of all...especially when you are the understudy for 12 people...i have 12 different personalities to pull from when i go on for someone. It has been a trying semester but it will all pay off next week.

To my cast members....you are all amazing and i love all of you. Go break a leg!

To the crew...Ya'll rock and make our lives a little less stressful...and you make it all run like clock work.

To shane...you are amazing and we would have been up a creek with out you. Thanks for being a life saver!

To Brenda....Your vision is about to come true however slightly altered from the beginning but it will still be spectacular. You should be proud...I know we are! And Lexi is the cutest thing on the planet!

well that is my blurb for my final tech night before dress rehearsals.

Positive

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I hate q 2 q so much now as an actor in a musical...........we have been here 2 hours and just got to the second song. I know it is a necessity but why must it take so long? Smile! Keep positive. Don't lose heart....fuck that shit! I wanna go home....i am hungry tired and cranky. Cory Paul i love ya but i want ya back i am so stressed out.

The Bitch Of Living

Who has the answer? Umm please tell me why W.O.W consumes peoples lives? It is a cult game i know...but really must you make everything around you in reality go just right so it won't affect your gameplay?

My roommate thinks so. When he is playing WOW i am not allowed to be on the wireless net work because MY COMPUTER messes up his game when there are 3 other computers in this room on the wireless let alone the other people in the fucking building...but no he blames it on me. He also must have peace and quite when he is playing so that communication over headset with his boyfriend is not impaired...sorry to say but who died and made you king of the universe...no one. On the plus side his grades will start dropping because as of right now he is skipping class to play the fucking game. Maybe then he will wake up an see that it is time to go back to reality where people still don't like him.

Sorry was that harsh? whoops i forgot to continue caring.

Once Upon A Time

So this is a random post which i hardly ever do. But i just happened to just sitt and read my blog for a while from the beginning of this year to now. I could compile a novel of my life from this thing...i crack up, i teared up, i got mad again, and it was all beautiful. The memories. The heartbreaks. The adventures. Life is what you make it and right now aside from the mundane things (rehearsals) i really have nothing to complain about. I am finally content with my love life, where i am physicaly, and my friends rock. Things could be worse i could be dead. But I am not. And my life could be worse. I could be alone. But once again, i am not.

Friends come and go but you know what the ones that matter are always there. and i think i finally have found that set. And also i think i finally have realized love is there for me but i have to wait and i know what i am waiting for and it is coming closer and closer. I made the realization as i read my blog. There is one person who always lifts me up when boys get me down and it is the one guy i have had the best relationship with ever and it isn't even a physical relationship yet. He lives across the Atlantic Ocean, but that is ok i think we both finally have come to terms with the fact we were meant for each other and that we will never be happy till we are together. One of the reasons i am moving to England not the main one but it is a deciding factor now. It is an adventure in itself and i love adventures and challenges...and our love is strong, people! I think i can finally stop searching and accept the fact that he is the one, because nothing better has been found and i have had physical relationships and i am still not extremely happy. I just have to talk to him and i beam...i haven't even touched him yet, and he is my world. I think about him all the time even when we were both dating other people.
Only one person has made me think other wise about him and he can't commit to a relationship right now for the fact he is moving and can't do the long distance thing. Brit boy didn't think he could either but he keeps coming back to me and i keep going back to him, so there is definitely a pull between the two of us. And it keeps getting stronger.
So this post was supposed to be random but i guess i had more to say than i thought. And i thought for a moment that the title wouldn't fit this post now but it does, cause every fairy tale love story starts with the cliche line "Once Upon A Time..." and this is my own fairy tale so why not title it as such. "Once upon a time there was an ocean and it separated two lovers.....one day they would meet....this is their story."

Come To Your Senses

One day someone can enter your life and turn your world upside down. This happened a total of three times in my life. And this last time I am not sure where I landed….my head is still spinning. I am not sure if I am happy or sad with myself…or him for that matter. What I have is complicated for sure. I mean who makes out with someone they know they can’t be with right now because the person cannot expect to be tied down when they are moving to bum fuck Texas. I want to continue our friendship but does it change from here…or do I continue as if things haven’t changed. I can’t actually tell if things have changed or not but I think they have…he doesn’t text me back and I felt like a third wheel all night and like I was imposing. I know he didn’t do anything with the other guys he was around this week but all the same I feel like he found them more interesting than me. But his affection never seemed less until tonight…even last night he kissed me…tonight I mean I guess I could have but it just didn’t seem right at the moment…but now I regret it. Will things change? I know I will move on but what will happen if I do. He will have no one. My life is complicated….i always have someone to run to…..too bad he lives across an ocean. What is to happen to me now…am I to just forget…who am I kidding…this week I want to remember and at the same time I want to forget it happened. It was a joy and a fuck up…I am in love I am in lust. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t regret anything. But I am not sure I am fully happy with how I handled some things. Jealousy is a pain in the ass and I wasn’t being fair…cause we weren’t technically together. But when you spend time with a person physically there is a sense of attachment, and sadly possession…well for me anyways. I HATE IT NOW. This week has been the Goliath of emotional roller coaster rides. I needed this week but now I am at a loss. Sure I told him I was fine….did he really believe me….i mean hello the minute he told me the way he felt things kinda took a new course I immediately became kinda different. Maybe all this feeling is my own fault. I could have acted different yesterday….i should have asked more questions before she set me up with him…that was my first boo boo. But I am not sure she even knew what he wanted at the time…he still doesn’t know what he wants….i adore him….and yet he frustrates me to no end. He is perfect for me and at the same time he baffles me…I get along with him and I question him all the time. Where did it go wrong…did it go wrong. I think I am crazy.

In Short

I hate him! There are some people who just need to grow up and get over themselves......MY ROOMATE IS CASE A!

I am sorry but we had an agreement when we started rooming together that i could sing and he wouldn't complain unless he was doing homework. I am sorry but when di playing WOW constitute as homework...oh that is right it isn't. So you know what Kris....you can get over yourself or go die...right now i could care less which one you do. I am a generally nice person but this is the last straw...you cannot walk over me. I am not below you and if you think you are a god then you are sadly mistaken...and i am not being arrogant here....but i don't see you hanging out with friends...oh wait you don't have any...and i can't imagine why not? (That is a lie i can). I am sorry friends am i being harsh....good i needed to grow some. I know for sure now there is no way i will ever room with him again...it was the worse mistake ever....he is a bitch so if you are asked to room with him next year....please do yourself a favor and decline. He doesn't know how to handle other people. He is a diva and will expect you to bend over backwards for him. FUCK THAT SHIT I AM NOT HIS MOTHER OR FATHER OR MAID. GET OVER YOURSELF!